Yaya Toure, Cristiano Ronaldo and Gotze! Here’s our team of the week:

The jury is still out on which is more boring between DC’s Dawn of Justice and many of last weekend matches but be that as is may, using a 4-3-3 formation, here are players that stood out in the crowd and made it to our coveted (a player once offered us a bribe to get in) team of the week:
Goalkeeper – Carlos Kameni

Folks, it is a strange world we live in. If anyone ever told us Kameni would ever appear on this list, we would have slapped him/her across the face. You know, it’s TEAM OF THE WEEK, not a gathering of jesters. But look at God. The same Kameni that made Cameroon consider leaving their goalpost empty because there really won’t be much difference given how he concedes – suddenly transformed into Superman and ensured Barcelona couldn’t get a win on Saturday.

Strange, bizarre world.
Left Back – Marcel Schmelzer
Not too many defenders can effectively keep Arjen Robben at bay – if in doubt, ask Jordi Alba who is still yet to recover from all the things the bald man did to him – but Schmelzer did a good job of curtailing the excesses of the Dutchman when Dortmund locked horns with Bayern Munich. Very impressive.
Central Defender 1 – Sokratis Papastathopoulos

Ordinarily, we never like to ever include this guy in anything because of the great stress of having to double-check the spelling of his name on Google/Wikipedia, but he was so good last weekend that we have no choice but to give him a slot in our coveted TEAM OF THE WEEK. There are rumors Robert Lewandowski is still somewhere in the defender’s back pocket.
Central Defender 2 – David Luiz

Only defender more famous for being poor at defending and scoring freekicks. Like everyone, we love David Luiz. And it appears Antonio Conte is about to change his story. He is now faster, energetic and actually good at defending. Against Middlesbrough, he showed all the makings of an excellent defender. Well done, Luiz.
Right Back – Gabriel Mercado

It doesn’t get any better for Gabriel Mercado, does it? You get called up to your national team (that can’t pay security guards) and then over the weekend, continued an excellent run of form by helping Sevilla fightback from 2 goals down at Deportivo la Coruna to secure a 3-2 win and a third position on the La Liga table. Dope stuff. His babalawo clearly deserves a raise.
Central Midfield – Yaya Toure

Yaya Toure did not go to the evil forest for nothing, he came with the precious egg and on Saturday, he saved the king’s life with it. Y’all remember that Nollywood movie, right? Anyway, that’s not the bone of contention now. The bone of contention is that Yaya Toure announced his return with two important goals that helped City get maximum points. Things are going so good that his agent, Dmitri Seluk, must be worried and be planning ways to make his life difficult again.
Midfielder – Mario Gotze

When Kanayo O. Kanayo is the doctor in charge of his wicked step-mother in the hospital, only one thing can happen and your guess is as good as mine. That was exactly what Gotze did to his former employers. Apart from providing the assist that led to the only goal of the match, Gotze put no foot wrong in the Der Klassiker. He clearly had his revenge.
Midfielder – Juan Mata

Mata was the player that ‘matad’ most for Manchester United when they hosted Arsenal last weekend. Attacked well, passed the ball deliciously and got a good goal. The only thing the down to earth (literally and figuratively) Spanish MF did wrong was not to run up to the camera, hold up the middle finger sign and scream “in your face, b******s” to everyone that ever doubted him.
Forward – Cristiano Ronaldo

‘Ororo’ as he is fondly called, rubbed oil on the faces of Atletico Madrid’s defenders. Against one of the tightest defences in the world, he became the ‘halelujah’ to the wall of Jericho. Except FIFA wants someone to go on another long rant, they better start practicing how to hand him the Balon d’Or.

Forward – Emil Forsberg

Don’t know this guy, right? Well, so do we too until his intelligent movement on and off the ball caught our attention. RB Leipzig’s unheralded hero never stops delivering the goods as he fired his team to the top of the Bundesliga table with a goal and an assist. Look out for this lad, guys! He just might help your betting tickets.
Forward – Victor Anichebe

This position was keenly contested between Victor Anichebe, Harry Kane, Lorenzo Insigne and Suso who all scored important goals for their respective teams but Anichebe got it, not because he is better looking than they are (no shades to the other guys) but because of how abject he has been in the past, and how his strikes can change the fortunes of the Black Cats.

Anichebe for the ladies! No Bobrisky, this doesn’t include you.