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SOCCERNATION EXCLUSIVE! Read Jose Mourinho’s ‘secret’ letter to Manchester United

Dear Egbon Woodward,

Na me Jose Mourinho dey write una dis letter.

I no be wan follow you yarn before but as I don dey house too much and I no hear from you, I think say make I apply the law wey say “if Muhammed no go meet mountain, mountain go come meet Muhammed”.

No be secret say Chelsea na the club wey dey my heart. I love the club so tey, I gree to forgive and forget wetin dem do me the first time and manage dem for the second time. But as life go be, dem betray me again. Na now I know how Jesus feel when Judas do am dat thing wey we read for bible.

Anyway, that one na past and I don ready to move on to the future. And as we dey talk future, e get some kind visions wey I dey see these days wey dey make me feel like say my future get so much to do with una.

Make you and I no lie give each other, we know say things no dey go well for your club. All una fans don fat finish because na so so sleep dem dey sleep for stadium. Una win now dey do like woman period wey dey come once in a while.

Una no happy, una fans no happy and una players no happy. And you know say happiness na important thing for person wey wan get long life.

No be say I wan carry shoulder up but I dey tell you say una problem na small thing for my eyes. In case you dey doubt am, na me dem dey call Jose Mourinho – the special one. Na me carry small Porto go win Champions League and all those things we Chelsea dey take brag say dem be better club, na me win am for them. I don go win for Italy and Spain too because I no want make anybody dey talk say I be village champion. I be confirm guy.

And oga, make I no lie, I like your club. When I vex leave Real Madrid, na your club I bin wan even come but baba Ferguson dey fear say I go do pass everything wey him do na him make am pour sand sand for my garri. He no look my side, come carry the job give Moyes. Na that wahala una still dey face till now.

I no need anybody to tell me say I be big man and as your club be big club, na only me fit change una destiny. I don study your club wella and I don write things wey I go take change am. You see that Fellaini, I go carry am go better barber shop make him go barb that him hair. I know say na him dey make am play nonsense.

And as for Rooney dem, na to reduce the number of hours dem dey spend for house. Una see as Rooney dey born anyhow, come still dey wonder why he dey play anyhow. Una no know say man wey no get power for field, na bed he dey use am.

I get plenty better better plans wey I wan take transform the club but that na only if una look my side. I no wan talk too much now because na empty drum dey make noise. And I know say u sef know say my drum full troway.

All the bad belle wey fit dey try tell you say make you no hire me, remember say na dem carry Moyes give you. Wetin happen for Chelsea dis season no be my real face o, I just wan play small.

If you still come feel say u no wan give me the job after all this my talk, na your sef you dey do. Who the fans go boo?

Abeg just help me make I fit help una too. I know say una fit wan do strong head but but make una ask una sef: for this life, who strong head don epp?

I go dey wait for your reply. Or if na call una wan call, just flash me, I go call una back.

Na me, your guy

Jose Mourinho. (Baba for coaching)